im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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