god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
