we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
