I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
