I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I didn't notice because vodka
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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