dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We got so high we made milksteak
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i dont even know how to be here
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
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