Swine flu. Run for my life!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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