so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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