did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
