Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
