he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
