Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
not ubering you a puppy
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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