I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
