I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
