Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
