I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
