I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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