He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
