Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
