Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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