just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
