The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
