your parents love me but you hate me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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