had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
