I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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