Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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