Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize