They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
