I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
