I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
