Already got asked if we're dating
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
