so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
