i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
