if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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