you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
