apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize