Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize