dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize