It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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