I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
