I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
