And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
