I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
