im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
