Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The beer is more important than you right now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
