he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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