I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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