he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
