I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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