You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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