i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
