did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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