You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
