Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
